I must have started this post at least a dozen times in the past week. Each time the first paragraph is different yet the same. I never get past that first paragraph though, maybe because I don’t want to be vulnerable, perhaps because I don’t want to admit to others some of my deepest thoughts. Either way, here I am, first paragraph coming to an end again.
The past ten days or so I have felt incredibly alone and isolated. Nothing has really changed in this time period that would lead me to feel this way. I still find myself in the sweaty room five times a week. My husband is home every evening and I see friends from time to time. Despite no conspicuous reason, this feeling of exceptional loneliness is not resolving itself. If anything, as each day passes, the sense of being alone in this world continues to snowball.
Part of this overwhelming feeling may be due to the fact that I speak to so few people. I have arrived at a time in my life where I value the quality of a friendship over anything else. I have fewer friends that I see regularly in real life. I have also scaled down the number of friends that I have through Facebook. Not only have a deleted many, but I have also set privacy settings so that many people who are my “friends” do not see my post regularly. There are countless ways in which this smaller circle of friends serves me better. That being said, I am exceedingly scared that I will lose those friendships that I have chosen to invest in. I am hyper aware of how depressed and sad I am everyday. I can’t help but think that eventually the friends that I have will want to abandon ship, not because they are not amazing and wonderful friends, but because there is something wrong with me. There is something within me that keeps me from moving on and being happy.
I have been so unhappy and sad. Not my normal” depression” sad. A different kind of sad. A sadness that stems from my situation when I was a kid as well as my current situation. A sadness that feels like mourning a person who has passed, and maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am mourning all the things that I have lost, my childhood, having a loving sibling, a less stressful relationship with my parents. I am sad that I am financially dependent on my husband because I am not well enough to work. When I did work I was disappointed because when I graduated from my undergraduate degree I was to depressed and riddled with anxiety to continue my education, leaving me with a job and not a career.
Perhaps now, most of all I am sad because I do, mostly feel, completely alone in this world. I let people in, but then I regret it because I want them to think I am happy. I am scared that they run. I am scared to actually be left with no one.